I feel like i disappeared off the face of the earth for a long time...and now im just gettin back. things were happening so fast i felt like there wasnt enough time to react to anything at all. i was just watching life go by hoping it would slow down so i could catch up but the more i tried the farther it got. its weird because i feel like ive missed a big chunk of my life and i just cant figure out what to make of it.

i know i was there i mean i remember being there i just dont remember ever having the time to respond to the things that were happening. everything started and finished before i could even get a word in. i felt like everyone was finding things out before i was and keeping it to themselves until it was too late for me to help or even think anything about the situation. the whole feeling left out thing is in no way something new to me but this was different. it was like the whole world knew something i didnt...maybe things will make more sense once i get some sleep but for now i really dont kno but maybe im no supposed to?

Gay is a three letter word
just like 'you' and 'mee' when it is misspelled.

Homophobia and You:

-I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.

-I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

-I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.

-We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

-I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

-I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.

-I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.

-I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

-We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

-I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.

-I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

-I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.

-I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

-I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

-I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.

-I am the woman who died when the EMTs stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.

-I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn’t have to always deal with society hating me.

-I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.

-I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.

-I am the person who is afraid of telling his loving Christian parents he loves another male.

Repost this if you realize homophobia is wrong.

As I said in my lst journal I'm back but in the worst way of course. not only am i back to bein happy nluved n such but im also back to makin my usual mistakes. i cant help it i go weak at the thought of him and no not the him u might think. The one i said i was happy to finally get rid of. The one i said i cudnt believe i stayed with for so long. well now i rememeber why i stayed with him so long. i guess my telling him not to talk to me any more cuz i cudnt deal with him made him go back to the way he used to be. hes an honest to God sweetheart when he wants to be but he never had the time for me let alone the time to be the sweetheart he really is. hes too preoccupied with his friends opinion of him. he can never just b the funny charming guy thats not afraid to say he loves you. I wish that he wud say it as much as he used to cuz if i cud id tell him every second.

i honestly care about him more than anyone and i kno it might sound stupid with all the bad things i say about him but i do becuase i can say w/e i want when hes gone but most of the time its only cuz im madd that hes not there. I miss him so much when hes gone that i get mad then once he comes back nothing i felt or said matters anymore cuz hes there and thats enough. He says he cares and loves me too but sometimes i really dont kno i feel like im not important but even if he doesnt feel as much as i do for him im ok with that because i kno that at one time he did and that he at least cares enough not to leave me when he knos he can have anyone he wants.gtg to be continued...

^ Aug. 20, 2005 ^
v Aug. 25, 2005 v

well back to what i was saying....I cant help the feelings i have or even figure out if theyre real or not. they just keep coming back stronger and stronger each time i try to get rid of them. and so is the pain. i kill my self night and day thinking why bother? he doesnt care. but then he says he loves me or something sweet and i cant even bring myself to think he could be lying. i trust him more than i shud but he has this power over me i cant even begin to explain. but just to give u an idea: now that hes in town for a while i cant even function anymore. everything is becomin a hassle. i dont wanna go to work cuz i might miss his call but i have to so i go and miss his call. i dont ever want any one to b home cuz if im home alone i can leave and c him if i want but of course the one time i want ppl not to b here theyre here. Im telling you everything in life is against me when it comes to him. i kno im not gonna b able to c him tho cuz something alwayz happens when hes in town but still. its not fair that we never even get a chance to c eachother n then he disappears again for who knows how long and i get mad at him and say mean things about him but the second i c him online or his name on my phone i cant help but forget everything im doin and act like a giddy little girl. hearing his voice makes me so happy and he knows it (unless hes really stupid....) but he rarely ever calls anymore. cuz like i said he doesnt care anymore. or at least thats wat it seems like to me. he gets mad when i say he doesnt care but he cud at least show it. rite? he did ask me to marry me once. i almost said yes and i kinda wish i had sometimes. i kno it never wudve worked out cuz my mom wudnt allow it cuz we're much too young to be getting married and havin kids and such (eventually not immediately) but honestly if we wudve been older i wudve said yes in a second. but i knew it cudnt happen so wat was the point?

8-11-05

Well obviously from the title I'm back to my old tricks again. I canned the boy toy and I'm kinda glad hes gone (for good this time...i hope) I feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I cant even believe i stayed with him for as long as i did. its not like i dont care about him or nethin. he just likes to take me for granted n i couldnt stand it nemore...plus like i said im back to my old tricks so obviously i had other reasons for endin our....w/e u wanna call it. u c of all the things ive learned over the past year about trustin boyz n fallin for them i guess i forgot about one thing. its easier said than done.

so as of now im currently fallin head over heels for a guy i kno i cant have unless of course i do something evil but in a sense its only payback when u think about it. i mean if she cud do it to me whos to say i cant do it back? its only fair. besides shes bunches of miles away startin a new life wit new friends. what does she want him for? its not like she can visit him or nethin. long distance relationships arent meant to work out forever (believe me i kno).

all that aside tho i can say im fallin for him i can also say that im bein as careful as possible. i mean the 1st time was bad enough. i dont think i can take getting hurt like that again. its too much to deal with all at once. my friends must think ive lost my mind or sumthin for even thinkin about givin him a chance to get close to me again. but i honestly cant help it. i try not to feel the way i did before but its too hard. he makes me so nervous n happy n just crazy. i dont kno wat to do with myself n apparently neither does he. he has his "g/f" or w/e she is but he has also admitted to a close firend of mine that all his feelings for me are comin back.....he juss signed on ill finish this lata...

8-15-05

Well a lot has happend these past few dayz but nothing good of course. i kno that some of the stuff i said b4 was a little much but i cant help the feelings i have. im really really trying to tho. ive slowed our friendship down a bit and i can tell im getting annoying with all the things i keep telling him like(i cant talk to u cuz us talkin like this makes things more complicated then they already are) so maybe if im lucky he'll want nothing to do with me pretty soon. i mean i cant think of any other way to stop this stupidness. i cant juss go back to him under the circumstances but i cant say i wudnt if given the chance. at least not right now. i mean id love to be able to chill with him without feelin like im intruding on his relationship but its not possible n i feel like my talkin to him is making me look like a hypocrit...i mean after how i felt when i found out what she did to me who was i to complain if i was just gonna do it back to her? gtg bye bros bein a tard...finish later or not im tired of talkin bout this all the time

Of Everything I've read about Jark nothing has hit me more than this description from a recent deviation by [link] :

"Did I know Jark in any way? No. In fact, the only thing I know about him is that he is a co-founder of deviantart, and was recently removed from his position.
I can't really say anything about him as a person, but I can say just by observation that he has done a great deal for deviantart, and for that I am eternally grateful. It is rarely that I look at the whole community of deviantart, I am usually just concerned with my friends and the people that I have come to know personally. There are millions of people that I have not talked to, heard of, or acknowledged. I have enough trouble keeping track of the fifty or so people that I do know from the site. Still, in lieu of recent events, I have suddenly began to feel the power of deviantart as a whole community. It is strange, Jark has always been known as a supporter of the community environment of deviantart, but it is now the strongest I have ever seen it in his darkest hour. I don't usually just jump the bandwagon, and considering that I know very little of the details of what has happened on deviantart lately, I guess throwing my support behind Jark can be considered such. Still, I don't think it really is. I think that he has done a tremendous ammount of work for deviantart, most of which has never even dawned on me. I take this site for granted most of the time, and it is events like these that make me appreciate the work that went into it so much more. People who never previously knew each other have now joined hands for a common cause. People around the world have expressed their concern in huge numbers. There must be a worthy cause behind it. To be completely honest, I don't even know what exactly the cause is. Nonetheless, I think that regardless of the details, Jark has been wronged, and although I don't know the man at all, and although there are many other problems and corruptions in the world, I'd like to think that by throwing my support alongside thousands of others, a small difference can be made for all those affected by this whole situation. So join hands, make a statement, and show your support for the former leader of this great community. "

The point is a lot of us are exactly the same way. We don't want to get involved because in truth we really don't know Jark personally. There is no way that all of us on Deviantart could have but somehow over the past 4 years and 11months he managed to affect all of our lives. Whether it be in ways that we don't even care to notice or ways that changed entire lives and ideals he affected all of us. It's just sad that it took something like this to make us all finally truly appreciate what he has done for the community here at Deviantart. Even as he is being thrown out of the administration of his own creation he is still helping the community. He is still standing up for what is best for us and for that and all the numerous things he has done with and for us I am grateful.

I know a lot of people are tired of hearin this and that it's not my place to speak about things I know little or nothing about and I know that no one is really going to read this but I wanted to say something anyway. It's not fair to take something so near and dear away from someone. No matter what the reason. He helped create this wonderful place and without him many of us would have never met. None of the friendships on this site would have ever existed without the ideas of any one of Deviantarts founders. So for that... if for nothing else I thank Jark as so many of us should. We took him for granted for so long now we have to show him that the past 5 years weren't spent in vain.